Real simple....unless you have kids

I got a letter in the mail today from Real Simple magazine begging me to re-up (actually, I've taken a hiatus for several years, so the proper term at this point is to re-subscribe!) Little do they know I've already done it, but that is not relevant to this post.

Included in the letter was my free Speed Cleaning Guide! It's a small thin folded piece of glossy cardstock with tips on cleaning my house muy rapido. Wow! Thanks, guys!

The insights were really amazing. Did you know that your living room can be clean in 6 minutes of daily effort? Yes! And the bathroom "should take no more time than flossing your teeth" to clean. In fact, you can clean your house in 19 minutes flat. Except, they left one little item out. Make that three little items in my case. Using the guide, with my commentary in italics, I will walk you through a hypothetical "speed cleaning" session:

LIVING ROOM
Their time: 6 minutes daily
Actual time: 20-40 minutes, depending on how fast I pick up the styrofoam pebbles out the carpet that Seth shredded for a "game".

• Pick up crumbs and dust bunnies with a hand-held vacuum (1 min)--see above
• Fluff cushions and fold throws after use (2 min)--if I can find them, because they might be a central support beam in a fort somewhere. Let's hope it's not outside.
• Wipe tabletops and spot-clean cabinets when you see fingerprints (1 min)--I give up.
• Straighten coffee-table books and magazines. Throw out old newspapers. Put away CD's and DVD's (2 min)--why do they think books and magazines only live on the coffee table?

By Real Simple's standards I should now have a clean living room. But why didn't they say anything about the Lego fort in the corner, the Monopoly game in progress on the floor and a Webkinz convention being held in the other corner? Still doesn't look clean to me, but maybe the kitchen will be better...after all, no toys in there, right?

THE KITCHEN

Their time: 4 1/2 minutes (wow...down to the second mark!)

Actual time: Never, because someone is always hungry.

• Wipe down the sink after doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher (30 sec)--what I want to know is, when did I have time to load the dishwasher?
• Wipe down the stovetop (1 min)--okay, that's not too hard--except there's this baked-on stuff I just keep hoping will evaporate away...
• Wipe down counters (1 min)--check. Just got to maneuver around the piles of mail and the extra food that I can't stuff in my pantries.
• Sweep, Swiffer or vacuum the floor (2 min)--this only works as long as no one eats for a while. One rice cake later, the work is destroyed.

Well, my kitchen should be clean, but somehow the sparkly sink I wiped down so prettily isn't showing up against all those dishes. On to the bedroom.

THE BEDROOM (let's use the boys' bedrooms for examples)

Their time: 6 1/2 minutes daily (they are nothing if not precise!)

Actual time: A really good job? By me? Probably quarterly to every 6 months. When I can't stand it any more.

• Make the bed (2 min)--hmm. If the pillows make it to the top of the bed and the sheets/blankets are located anywhere other than the floor or the bottom of the bed, does that count?
• Fold or hang clothing and put away jewelry (4 min)---hahahahahahahahahaha (pause and inhale) hahahahahahahahahaooohhahh hack, cough, ack!
• Straighten out the night table surface (30 sec)--no night table, so I'm skipping this.

Nope. Not even close. I'm losing faith, because the next one is the worst one of all.

THE BATHROOM

Their time: 2 minutes daily (I'm astounded!)

Actual time: 3 hours of intense, scrubbing labor that requires heavy duty cleaners, old clothes for me and fumes.

• Wipe out the sink (30 sec)-- I might need a chisel for the dried toothpaste blobs and remains of a bar of soap stuck to the sink.
• Wipe the toilet seat and rim (20 sec)--I have three boys who no longer require diapers and enjoy target practice. They must be kidding. I note there is NO MENTION of wiping the bottom of the toilet, the surrounding floor, the walls, the tub, the shower curtain, the rug or any object within 5 cubic feet of the potty.
• Swoosh the toilet bowl with a brush (20 sec)--see above.
• Wipe the mirror and faucet (20 min)--I refer you to the chisel.
• Squeegee the shower dooor (30 sec)--This does not apply to me because the boys don't use their shower. The last time they did, I had to rent a canoe to make to the tub. The only shower in our room, where there is a true shower door which keeps most of the water in the stall. I do keep life rings handy for emergencies, however. And hey, I don't own a Squeegee.

According to Real Simple magazine, my house is now clean! As I look around, I conclude...these people clearly don't have kids.

God with Us

It's 11:00 on Christmas Eve. The kids are tucked in bed, Scott bundled up in a parka to go to the 11 pm Christmas Eve service at the Anglican church on the corner, and I just finished wrapping the presents and stuffing the stockings.

Our tree is small but bright. It's definitely not the biggest one in the windows you drive by in our neighborhood. But it's full of ornaments, some from long ago, some given to us by dear people, some that commemorate special times of our lives and those made by little hands. The ornaments are mishmash, but somehow they all work together.

The stash under the tree is humble but all we need. It's been a tough end of the year for us and almost everyone else in America financially. Yet the fridge is full, there's money in the bank for another day and the gifts our children asked for are under the tree, plus a few they didn't ask for.

We just spent an evening with our family. Different religions, backgrounds and political views laughed and hugged their way through the evening. We watched a menorah be lit, heard songs sung in Hebrew/Yiddish and then merrily gave and received Christmas presents from each other. Dinner was wonderful and the company even better. It was truly a merry Christmas for us all.

I rejoice and exult in the thought of Emmanuel--God with us. Not many other words carry such power or force than this one. God with me...God in me. He is here.

Oh Lord, let me never get so distracted by the things that I don't have to miss the wealth that You have given me. In life, in possessions, in family, in children, in a husband, in You.

Emmanuel. No other gift on earth could be so dear to me as the gift of You and the life You give to me!

Simple Gifts

I was just thinking the other day about the little pleasures of parenthood that I didn't even think about experiencing before I had kids. Here are a few:

• Teaching your kids how to make a paper airplane.
• Watching your child's face light up when he sucks on the end of a honeysuckle blossom.
• Making them the weird and wonderful concoction that is French toast.
• Discovering the joy of Christmas TV specials. Somehow, Charlie Brown & Co. never get old.
• Reading all the little "books" your kiddo makes.
• Having a good excuse to try Dilly bars again.
• Making chicken nuggets (GF, of course) for dinner.
• Being able to snack on Goldfish.
• The smell of baby lotion and kid shampoo.
• Reading through the Chronicles of Narnia, Charlotte's Web, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Hans Christian Andersen again.
• Coloring and talking with your kid.
• Playing with Playdoh.
• Rediscovering the joys of hot chocolate with swirly whipped cream on top.
• Introducing the kids to great, timeless kid-fare movies like Star Wars, Hook, and someday soon, National Treasure and Raiders of the Lost Ark.
• Watching a speckled slug leave a silver trail on a wheelbarrow.
• Fun with burr oak acorns and horse apples.
• Pressing leaves and flowers.
• Teaching your kids to make snickerdoodles and pancakes.
• Going to the zoo.
• Staying in a hotel (an wonderous adventure unto itself with children).
• Teaching your kids to chew gum (don't swallow it!)
• Fun songs you forgot about from your childhood--16 Tons of Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts, The Yodeling Song, Mrs. O'Leary's Cow, Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, etc. I don't know if I got all those titles right...
• Finding the utter fun in listening to the Proclaimers' song "I would walk 500 miles".
• Discovering it is "crunchy outside" when it snows.
• Teaching your kids how to properly roll a snowball for a snowman.
• The joy of icicles.
• Snow ice cream.
• Walking with your kids on a Sunday afternoon.
• Listening to them sing Christian songs around the house.
• Finding the laughs in bathroom humor again.

I'm sure I'll think of more in the days ahead, and I'll try to write them down.

Update on Principal's office

Heard back from Seth's teacher--nothing new to report. It's pretty much as Seth described. I have to hand it to Seth--he is generally a very honest little thing! The teacher said they are working every day on self-control. Seth is like a little wild rose bush...a pleasure to have around, but we have to constantly clip off the wild shoots. We're praying for a nice, shapely bush someday...

Croup

Blane is croupy this morning. Poor baby, I heard him almost gagging in the bathroom this morning. I came out to meet him crying in the hall, saying, "Mom, I can't get it out!" Scott got in the shower and I shut the door and let the bathroom fill with steam. That helped a bit, and of course, he improved after he was up for a while. He doesn't feel bad, but I canceled a doctor's appointment that I had tomorrow because I was going to bring him with me. I'm sure all those new mothers don't want my son spreading his germs (potentially RSV) around.

Writing

Blane wrote his name coherently for the first time yesterday! He has, up until now, not wanted to write, draw or color very much. I never knew why--sometimes he almost acted embarrassed about it. But we have, from time to time, been working on his letters, and yesterday he sat next to me and practiced. Then he wrote it! He was so proud that he wrote his own name on his paper at church last night. Great job, Blaney!

Thanksgiving

Whew, I've been behind! First, an update on Thanksgiving...

The Harndens came up on Tuesday night. They came bearing gifts, since we will not be seeing them for Christmas. Blane was given his main gift that night, primarily so we could all enjoy his reaction. It was a thing of dreams--a silver, remote-controlled Camero, bigger than any car he currently owns.

He stood back from it for a few moments after he opened it, almost too overwhelmed by the size of it. Papa and I loosed the thing from its wire shackles and euphoria settled on my youngest child. With his cheek on the rug, he ran it back and forth on the wooden floor. He was in love, even without the remote control. The battery pack had to be charged, so we plugged it in for the night.

The next morning, we loaded the battery pack in the control panel and let him try it. It was apparent after a few seconds that we would have to keep the controls somewhere far, far away from him until he was bigger. The poor Camero hit every wall and obstacle in its way. We took it back after a minute and Seth had a try. Any guesses as to how that went? Anyway, over the week, we let Blane have it for a few seconds at a time just so we could laugh. The Camero suffered a scratch on the hood and took a chunk out of the baseboard before it was all through. But Blane was not upset with no controls. The happiest moments he has are spent making motor sounds and running that car over the floor by hand.

The subject of gifts leads us to the remaining two boys. Papa and Nana got them a basketball goal! Papa left at 5:45 am on Black Friday to score a great in-ground goal that was heavily discounted. We rolled it out at about 10 am (I apparently messed up the timing of the reveal because I went to Michaels a little after 9 to get some Christmas decorations--whoops!) But everyone was excited, and Papa and Scott spent the rest of the day installing it. Papa dug a hole and poured the concrete around the base, which we have to let cure for a week before we can hoist the top onto the pole. Cousin Ty will be coming over to do that--I ain't touching it!

The rest of our visit was wonderful as always. We had a fine dinner at the Zanders with the all the Z's, Grandma Joanne, Rachel's boyfriend Norman, Michael's secretary Debbie (who attends church with us) and Tea, a German-Jewish lady who is part of the local "group" of friends who fled the Holocaust in their teens. We are blessed.

Flat Zac's still getting around!

Flat Zac has turned up again! This time, he's hanging out with Uncle Dan, Uncle Ben, and cousin Grant.